The first thing to look for when purchasing therapy, as in buying a used car, is knowing what you’re looking for.
I felt it important to respond to a journalist who asked what people might expect at their first therapy session. I’ve been to a few therapists myself. I’ve not felt good about these first sessions with other therapists.
The more someone thinks they know, the more certainly they don’t. A good therapist is wise but ignorant, and makes no attempt to hide it. No therapist is an expert because no two clients are the same.
The journalist’s seven questions concern protocol, method, and service, but therapy is not about these things. Those are just lines on a blank sheet of paper. Each question is an opportunity to debunk the idea that someone can fix you. You are the driver, the motivator, the actor, the fixer, and the fixee. This is not a taxi ride to your destination.
1. Going to therapy for the first time may be daunting. What can you do about it?
Before becoming a professional therapist I thought therapy was for people who were having trouble meeting basic needs and expectations. Now, I see that is a minority. Many people are struggling with their abilities, not their disabilities. For them, counseling is more like mentoring, and their goal is to exceed what’s expected of them.
Counseling is exploration, and you are the explorer and inventor. There are clients who are or think they are disabled, and there are therapists who see you or want to see you in terms of a disability. This is your first and major choice. How do you see yourself, how do you want to be seen, and what do you want to do about it?
2. What people should do to get ready before their first session with a therapist?
People come to therapy with a problem. If this is definitive and exclusive, then the goal of therapy will be to change their minds.
In the first session, I listen to your story. I don’t believe the story is accurate, but people need to tell it. The larger and less well-defined your story is, the more freedom you have. But if your problem is unclear, most therapists will try to bring it into focus. Most likely, they’ll start looking in the same wrong places that you are.
Resist the therapist’s encouragement to define yourself and your condition. Rather than detailing your problems, explain you goals and means.
A therapist who agrees with your diagnosis and offers a path through it, is not useful. They are falling into the box that you’ve created for yourself. A good therapist will be creative and comfortable in your confusion.
3. Walk us through exactly what to expect at a first therapy session in the first few minutes.
Engaging a therapist is like catching a fish. First, you bait them, and then you set the hook. But you must be discerning. Are you fishing for sailfish or old shoes?
A good therapist will present a challenge. If they don’t, it may be you whom they are catching. You’re looking for a therapist who is workable, not likable.
Begin by creating scenarios and asking the therapist what they would do. Get them to expose themselves. Most therapists are taught to avoid revealing too much about themselves. People who don’t show themselves don’t know themselves.
As a client, you’re trying to get the therapist up to speed. If they go in a different direction, that could be what you need. But if they’re off-base, their insight will be limited. In all sessions, you are testing the therapist, and they are being called to deliver. That’s why you pay them.
Don’t be afraid to contradict yourself. You are not taking a test, you are giving one. And the test you are giving should reflect the unsolvability of your problem. Aim to confuse. Reject simplification, as that is not an accurate picture of yourself. A competent therapist will appreciate confusion.
4. Before the session wraps up, what can the patient do or ask the therapist before concluding?
I always give my clients “homework.” This is something for them to do or think about. It is my answer to the question, “Where are we going?” You should leave every session with some actionable idea. Unlike school homework, this should be meaningful.
If a therapist does not try to create something useful, you should ask for it. If you don’t ask for it and they don’t offer it, then either the therapist is clueless, you’re clueless, or you’re going to make no progress.
5. Should patients be afraid of offending therapists? You didn't like the therapist. Now what?
Forget like-ability. Therapists should not be your friends. They should be clear about this. They should not affirm your opinions or indulge your fantasies. What you want is progress and change. Therapy for change is challenging.
The therapist’s goal is to become unnecessary. The client has only to make an effort, and to evaluate their progress. If you’re making no progress, find another therapist. You’ll still have to make an effort, but you might be more effective with a different person.
6. What else is important to share about how people can prepare for their first time in therapy?
I encourage therapy and coaching. The difference between the two lies in how you see yourself. If you think you’re disabled, then go to therapy. If you are capable but obstructed, then go to coaching. If you’re somewhere in between, call it counseling.
A good therapist/coach must play both roles because we embody both roles. The object is to move from disability to ability; to find the motivation to become more able. A therapist may not agree, understand, or befriend you, but if they can open your future, they’re worth it.
Copyright ©2014 All rights reserved. Lincoln Stoller
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